This past weekend I was down at Lake of the Ozarks, third most dangerous body of water in the U.S., and when I got back people asked me if I was there when that woman got killed. Of course I told them yes, and explained to them how I can be at all points on the lake at all times. All smart assing aside, what really worries me more about this accident and all the media’s attention to any tragic accident like this is the fact that the authorities are just going to hassle the harmless drunks like me more.
Currently, down at the lake, we have the Missouri State Water Patrol. These are state highway patrolman whose bosses hate them, and make them patrol the water ways on the weekend. Back in the day you could get away with almost anytyhing. Hell you could have a keg of beer strapped to your head with a hose running to your mouth doing 90 miles an hour in the middle of the night on the water with the stereo blaring, and no one would care. Today that’s a different story. Now the water patrol can pull you over if one of your passengers is sitting in their seat cock eyed, and then give you a sobriety test, even if you don’t smell like alcohol or are totally sober ( in which case they just write you a ticket for one of your passengers sitting in an unsafe place on the boat ). Now I’ve been going down to Lake of the Ozarks for over 15 years. In that time, I’ve been told by everyone how dangerous it is, and how I was gonna get hurt either riding jet skis, riding boats, drinking, driving boats, going to party cove, etc. Well, I’ve never gotten hurt, but I have been harrassed more and more by the water patrol. The real question I have is, what has this regulation and harassment done to make Lake of the Ozarks safer? We still have people getting killed on a regular basis. Is it really something that can be fixed with another asshole driving around on a new tax payer funded boat harassing the public? I think not. It’s an area to relax, not be hassled. If I want hassle I’ll go to work. When I’m down at the lake, I want no hassle. I just want to drink, fester in the water, and maybe the occasional cruise on the boat (with a beer in hand whenever convenient).
The real problem is one of stupidity. Any asshat that would normally be causing disaster on the highways can come down to the lake, get a boat (without a test, or special license), and begin wreaking havoc on the water. What most of these clowns don’t realize, is that bodies of water don’t have roads or lanes, and boats don’t have brakes. This makes them 10x more dangerous, and because our fearless leaders are just as stupid, they assume disaster strikes all because of alcohol without thinking about the fact that it’s harder to drive a boat than a car.
The solution to this problem in my mind is this two pronged. First, let’s train people to drive while drunk. Put it on your license like they put the fact that you need glasses on your license. You should be able to be certified to operate at a BAC of .12, .25, .30, etc. and have that put on your license. Just like you can get a Commercial Driver’s License, you should be able to get a Drunk Driver’s License. Second, lets create a boaters drivers license category. We have a motorcycle driver’s license, and motorcylces have brakes, turn signals, and drive on roads (a relatively fixed path). Boats have no brakes, no turn signals, and drive on a medium that has no such restrictions (well except land). With these two policies in place, I think good responsible drunks will be safe from the idiot run government, and we might keep a few more clueless asshats off the water at the sametime. The combination of the two should reduce the number of accidents on the water and the constant hassle.
